If you want to have a healthy relationship with the person that you love, it can be frustrating to accomplish if you have never had an example to guide you. For example, if you came from a home where your parents didn't have a healthy relationship, you have no example to go by; so how can you ever have the chance at creating a healthy relationship? If you're curious about this, here are a few key points of a healthy relationship which were gathered from interviews with people who had been married for 30 years or more.
Open Communication
Great relationships always have open communication where each person feels safe to express what they are thinking or feeling without fear of being judged by the other person. The communication is consistent and both parties are always committed to understanding the other person and working on synergistic solutions to problems.
Friendship
Attraction and chemistry are great, but they come and go. The beauty of friendship is that it persists even when things aren't going well. A friend is someone who you can count on to be there when things don't make sense and who you can laugh with and even be a bit of a kid with. When you see a healthy couple together, you'll notice that they behave themselves the way that friends would, while having the component of love and romance as well.
Transparency
Since healthy relationships allow people to be themselves and to communicate without fear of judgment, the partners are completely transparent with one another. This means that they're both free to be who they are without fear of "not being good enough" or of being judged by one another. Transparency also means that each partner is open and genuine about their needs, their dreams, their fears, their desires and their concerns.
Trust
The most important difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one is that healthy relationships are rich with trust, and unhealthy ones are almost completely devoid of trust. Trust is what makes it possible for open communication, transparency and friendship to work. Trust cultivates safety and understanding which provides a healthy environment for each person to be themselves and to give AND receive genuine love.
Graciousness
People who have healthy relationships are playful with one another and have a lot of fun when they are together. Laughter is one of the greatest blessings of life, and it's a wonderful thing to be able to share with the person who you are with. It makes it easier to get through difficult times and it makes the good times even greater.
And all of these things are made possible because of the final characteristic of healthy relationships.
Common Values
A romantic relationship (especially a marriage) requires you to have common values with your partner. This means that your priorities and your moral compasses are in harmony and that you make important decisions according to the same criteria. Without common values, couples will not parent their children in agreement, manage money in agreement or agree on how they should make the most important decisions about their future. But with common values, you can plan for the future and manage your relationship according to the desire to achieve the same goals and to fight the same battles as allies instead of fighting one another.
So now that you know what to look for, the most important thing for you to do is work on becoming the kind of person who YOU must become in order to have a partner who will help you to build a healthy relationship.
Creating Prosperity, Serenity, and Balance in your Life. If achieving balance in your health, your relationships, and your finances is truly your goal on your journey to achieving your ideal state of who you want to be. New Self New World touches on some beautiful truths and principles of self improvement and personal growth that anyone can use no matter what walk of life or profession.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=William_S._Wells
LOVE BEGINS AGAIN - VIA ACTS OF INTIMACY
Being 'in love' is not the same as that 'act' of love, which is something that bears itself positively over the moment. This is the toughest challenge for any couple; each day and moment a fresh beginning of love via acts of intimacy.
Occurring predictably as a selfless act, joining to itself with other selfless acts, it is faithful, is love - the action. We're reminded serially; this love bite never infects us sufficiently that are summarily won to it. We so often fail love - to act in love.
Love, the act, is simple and plain,
Controlling it however makes us staid,
Beyond us it seems our life's gain,
Love does elude at times to raid.
Love comes and goes and then it returns,
Why it does this only God knows,
Whilst it's here with passion the heart burns,
Somehow in it our love grows.
Love begins again as if but to start,
It travels in kindness and gathers in pace,
Reminding us now we're not apart,
Each other together again running life's race.
Love is intimacy, parallel and true,
The gate of which is in good state,
Trustworthy, reliant beyond the blue,
However we are good is our mate.
The act of love is brilliance, securing devotees left, right and centre. We glimpse this as we get it right, for often we're failing, which is but a reminder from the Spirit which owns this thing that we're not 'there' yet. It's a safe, productive reminder.
A Charter of Intent
The growth of relational love occurs necessarily slowly. Like organisational culture changes, changes-at-love occur at a rate hardly visible. We scarcely fall for the trick, then, to place inordinate pressure on ourselves or our partners. Patience ushers and nurtures love.
Intent: it's all about intent.
The Cradle of Intimacy
Does anything build or characterise intimacy better than the simple well-meant act of love? And it's intimacy that finds its home most of all in love... intimacy of trust, of comfort, of faithfulness and unity. Of the triangle of love (passion, intimacy and commitment) it is perhaps intimacy that buoys love most reliably, gentling its presence warmly.
The cradle of intimacy is the proactive way of assuring relationships beyond the strains that assert themselves over the haggard seasons many couples and partnerships endure generally.
This one quality of love is best at ensuring that our 're-beginnings of love' are not so sharply felt; that there's a smooth flow of love resplendent through all the relationship's days.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
Steve Wickham is a Registered Safety Practitioner (BSc, FSIA, RSP[Australia]) and a qualified, unordained Christian minister (GradDipBib&Min). His blogs are at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com/.
Occurring predictably as a selfless act, joining to itself with other selfless acts, it is faithful, is love - the action. We're reminded serially; this love bite never infects us sufficiently that are summarily won to it. We so often fail love - to act in love.
Love, the act, is simple and plain,
Controlling it however makes us staid,
Beyond us it seems our life's gain,
Love does elude at times to raid.
Love comes and goes and then it returns,
Why it does this only God knows,
Whilst it's here with passion the heart burns,
Somehow in it our love grows.
Love begins again as if but to start,
It travels in kindness and gathers in pace,
Reminding us now we're not apart,
Each other together again running life's race.
Love is intimacy, parallel and true,
The gate of which is in good state,
Trustworthy, reliant beyond the blue,
However we are good is our mate.
The act of love is brilliance, securing devotees left, right and centre. We glimpse this as we get it right, for often we're failing, which is but a reminder from the Spirit which owns this thing that we're not 'there' yet. It's a safe, productive reminder.
A Charter of Intent
The growth of relational love occurs necessarily slowly. Like organisational culture changes, changes-at-love occur at a rate hardly visible. We scarcely fall for the trick, then, to place inordinate pressure on ourselves or our partners. Patience ushers and nurtures love.
Intent: it's all about intent.
The Cradle of Intimacy
Does anything build or characterise intimacy better than the simple well-meant act of love? And it's intimacy that finds its home most of all in love... intimacy of trust, of comfort, of faithfulness and unity. Of the triangle of love (passion, intimacy and commitment) it is perhaps intimacy that buoys love most reliably, gentling its presence warmly.
The cradle of intimacy is the proactive way of assuring relationships beyond the strains that assert themselves over the haggard seasons many couples and partnerships endure generally.
This one quality of love is best at ensuring that our 're-beginnings of love' are not so sharply felt; that there's a smooth flow of love resplendent through all the relationship's days.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
Steve Wickham is a Registered Safety Practitioner (BSc, FSIA, RSP[Australia]) and a qualified, unordained Christian minister (GradDipBib&Min). His blogs are at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com/.
DATING,ROMANCE,LOVE AND MARRIAGE - HOW TO MEET THE RIGHT MAN
If youre looking for "Mr. Right", and keep finding "Mr. Give me a Try", then you may not be going about it the right way. The last thing you want, is to become another lonely, desperate soul who chases everyone away because youre trying to get married quickly. If you play your cards right, and can stay calm, cool, and collected, you may improve your chances of finding "Mr. Right". Here are a few tips that I have to offer: First, know what youre looking for. Finding the perfect man should start with a definition of what you call, "Mr. Right". Keep in mind that it will differ from your best friends, and thats okay. That just means the two of you wont be competing (as much!). Dont be surprised if youre sights have been narrowed over the years. Youre just getting a better idea of whom you are compatible with and your chances of success increase with each new parameter. Most of all, dont force something that isnt there. Second, be patient. Theres no rush and rushing into things will only cloud your judgment. Theres nothing wrong with going out with the first person that asks you, but keep that in mind. There will be plenty more, so if he doesnt meet your criteria and seem like the ideal person for you, then youre free to thank him for the great evening and move on. The evening of companionship will be nice, but dont expect him to be the one to remove you from your life of solitude and loneliness. Third, if youre in a relationship and he doesnt fit your criteria, you must reevaluate why you are with him. Just because you have someone to date, doesnt mean that hes the right one for you. Being with him may cause you to miss other opportunities that could send your "Mr. Right" into the arms of another woman. Fourth, if things arent working out --- network. Enlarge your circle of friends and try going out with new people. If you spend most of your time with co-workers, then try to look up old college friends through the alumni association. Join a new gym or start shopping at a new grocery store. "Mr. Right" is out there, you just need to increase your chances of bumping into him. Dont forget to try social networking websites, like Meet2Go.com, parties, wine tasting events, and "fun runs". Fifth, volunteer. Even if youre not turned on by the thought of working for free, if youre not an outgoing person this is a great opportunity to be forced to be socially active with another person, or other people. When choosing events, think first about where youre likely to find "Mr. Right". Will he be working at the local soup kitchen on Saturday morning, or helping walk dogs at the animal shelter? Try and choose something that you think will yield the most success. Sixth, put yourself out there and leave your body position "open to communication". By this I mean go out to coffee shops, books stores, food courts, or city parks. When youre there, leave the seat open next to you and look approachable. Its also helpful to carry "props". By props I mean something that puts you in that place for a reason, and is easy to start a conversation about. Keep in mind, if should be relevant to the area, so sitting in a bookstore twirling a Frisbee on your finger is out of the question, ladies. If men see an opportunity to approach you and ask you a question, or make a comment about a book that youre reading, youre doing the right thing. Seventh, go where men go. If youre shopping for a diamond you dont look in "Claires Boutique" do you? Probably not. Stop by a sports bar on a big game night, wearing a jersey for the local favorite team (remember to remove the tag if you just bought it on your way there!). If you know anything about sports, dont hesitate to dazzle the local men with your intimate knowledge of the passing records for John Elway. If you dont know sports, claim to be there to support a friend and are like watching the game, but admittedly dont know much about it. Your best bet may be to visit Google or ESPN.com and do a little research on whos who in the big game. Eighth, above all else, be yourself. While it may not seem like it all the time, men want to know who you are. The real you is bound to come out and visit sooner or later, so why not make it sooner? If he doesnt like you for who you are, then hes probably not your "Mr. Right". Good luck, and happy dating! About the author: Chloe Miller recomments www.Meet2Go.com: A new friendship and online dating platform. Online Dating LondonPost activities and find partners with similar interests. Online Dating Free, Friends, Activities.
DEALING WITH RELATIONSHIP BREAK-UPS
The most unthinkable thing in love is how to deal with relationship break ups. Mainly, because people are blinded and excited when love is young and blooming. At this stage attraction is very high and each one is willing to sacrifice almost anything for the other as they are desperate for acceptance.
But as time goes by a sense ownership, confidence and security develops and some couples begin taking one another for granted. Contentment brings with it a feeling of achievement thus putting extra effort to satisfy the other becomes lesser. It is during this time that a relationship is vulnerable. Therefore, couples need to be renew their commitment hence avoid dealing with relationship break up if things take a downward direction.
The solution of preventing an eventuality of dealing with relationship break ups is constant communication. You should seek to understand your partner especially when differences show up. Settle conflict with humility. When you agree to step down on your demands you may realize that a solution has been near all along. Maybe your pride has been blocking your line of thought. Being prejudicial in your attitude can result in you ignoring issues being presented by your partner.
I always say that every relationship can be saved if only everyone makes sure that they never forget what attracted them to the other in the first place. Remember when in the beginning you were willing to give up all to get him/her. To avoid dealing with relationship break up you must value your partner and in doing so you will build a friendship that will last a long time. There is no other known solution to dissolving fights in relationships except communication and humility. Being too confident and stubborn will do you no good.
Follow the links below to learn more insightful tips on dealing with relationship break ups.
Resources
See All articles From Author
Stephen shares his wisdom and experience on Relationship Breakups that will definitely add value to your life. Visit his Inspirational and Motivational Website at: Self Improvement Tips and start living a purposeful life.
Article Source : http://www.article-content-king.com, Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict
,Emotional Fitness for Couples: 10 Minutes a Day to a Better Relationship
, When Anger Hurts Your Relationship: 10 Simple Solutions for Couples Who Fight
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition
But as time goes by a sense ownership, confidence and security develops and some couples begin taking one another for granted. Contentment brings with it a feeling of achievement thus putting extra effort to satisfy the other becomes lesser. It is during this time that a relationship is vulnerable. Therefore, couples need to be renew their commitment hence avoid dealing with relationship break up if things take a downward direction.
The solution of preventing an eventuality of dealing with relationship break ups is constant communication. You should seek to understand your partner especially when differences show up. Settle conflict with humility. When you agree to step down on your demands you may realize that a solution has been near all along. Maybe your pride has been blocking your line of thought. Being prejudicial in your attitude can result in you ignoring issues being presented by your partner.
I always say that every relationship can be saved if only everyone makes sure that they never forget what attracted them to the other in the first place. Remember when in the beginning you were willing to give up all to get him/her. To avoid dealing with relationship break up you must value your partner and in doing so you will build a friendship that will last a long time. There is no other known solution to dissolving fights in relationships except communication and humility. Being too confident and stubborn will do you no good.
Follow the links below to learn more insightful tips on dealing with relationship break ups.
Resources
See All articles From Author
Stephen shares his wisdom and experience on Relationship Breakups that will definitely add value to your life. Visit his Inspirational and Motivational Website at: Self Improvement Tips and start living a purposeful life.
Article Source : http://www.article-content-king.com, Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict
,Emotional Fitness for Couples: 10 Minutes a Day to a Better Relationship, When Anger Hurts Your Relationship: 10 Simple Solutions for Couples Who Fight Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition
HOW TO ATTRACT MEN WITH A SOLID FIRST IMPRESSION
There is only one chance to make an initial impression on a man that you are trying to attract. The old saying that "you cannot judge a book by its cover" gets thrown out the window when it comes to meeting a man for the first time. Men look at how well you are dressed; they take in your scent and your attitude. Staying confident and well dressed helps to form a solid first impression in a man’s mind. This means that you should never run to the grocery store on a ratty tee shirt and sweats and when going to work out always put on a bit of make up and fix your hair nicely.
After you have established that you care about yourself by proving it to him through your appearance, you can now impress him with your wit and intelligence. Men appreciate a strong woman who can speak her mind yet remain feminine and sexy at the same time. It is ok to approach a man and initiate conversation. A man who looks at you and does not look away quickly or smiles at you is open to conversation.
You can make a man feel special by complimenting him. Flirt with him. Talk about subjects he likes. What does he do for hobbies? Does he like to travel? Finding out about him relays your interest in him. Men value that you like them for them.
When talking to him, lean in close so that he can smell your perfume. Talk quietly so that he has to move in closer to hear you. Try to avoid always talking about yourself. The goal here is to learn about him. Smile and look directly at him. Listen attentively and repeat back to him anything he tells you that seems to be important to him. This lets him know that you understand where he is coming from.
Have the strength to voice your opinion if you do not agree with something he says. Do it in a manner that shows confidence not arrogance. Also do it in a way that in not confrontational. Smile and continue the conversation. You do not always have to agree with him. This gets boring after a while.
It is important to have your own interests while respecting those of a man that you are trying to attract. Ask him to teach you how to play Texas Hold 'Em and in return invite him to a concert to see one of your favorite bands. Sharing mutual interests helps to develop bonds that tie you closer together.
Resources
See All articles From Author
For more information on improving your relationship visit Women Men Love
Lilith King is a relationship improvement enthusiast who loves to blog. http://www.thewomenmenadorereview.blogspot.com
After you have established that you care about yourself by proving it to him through your appearance, you can now impress him with your wit and intelligence. Men appreciate a strong woman who can speak her mind yet remain feminine and sexy at the same time. It is ok to approach a man and initiate conversation. A man who looks at you and does not look away quickly or smiles at you is open to conversation.
You can make a man feel special by complimenting him. Flirt with him. Talk about subjects he likes. What does he do for hobbies? Does he like to travel? Finding out about him relays your interest in him. Men value that you like them for them.
When talking to him, lean in close so that he can smell your perfume. Talk quietly so that he has to move in closer to hear you. Try to avoid always talking about yourself. The goal here is to learn about him. Smile and look directly at him. Listen attentively and repeat back to him anything he tells you that seems to be important to him. This lets him know that you understand where he is coming from.
Have the strength to voice your opinion if you do not agree with something he says. Do it in a manner that shows confidence not arrogance. Also do it in a way that in not confrontational. Smile and continue the conversation. You do not always have to agree with him. This gets boring after a while.
It is important to have your own interests while respecting those of a man that you are trying to attract. Ask him to teach you how to play Texas Hold 'Em and in return invite him to a concert to see one of your favorite bands. Sharing mutual interests helps to develop bonds that tie you closer together.
Resources
See All articles From Author
For more information on improving your relationship visit Women Men Love
Lilith King is a relationship improvement enthusiast who loves to blog. http://www.thewomenmenadorereview.blogspot.com
IS HONESTY,THE KEY TO GOOD AND OPEN RELATIONSHIP?
A coaching client recently told me, "I'm convinced if two people are totally honest, they can be married." As a dating coach for midlifers, I hear from a lot of folks who are dating. I also stay current with the dating scene on the Internet, and read the profiles people write. Men often say that "honesty" is crucial for a relationship, while women rarely do. Let's take a look at this.
First I'm going to speculate as to why men say this and women don't, and then I want to talk about the place of honesty in a relationship.
As we know from research, and such books as "If Men Could Talk: Unlocking the Secret Language of Men," ), by Alon Gratch, Ph.D., men, as a rule, have more trouble verbalizing emotions, something most of us would also agree is crucial to an intimate relationship. Not that we need to talk about emotions all the time, but that it's necessary to know what you feel and to be able to communicate it when necessary. It becomes particularly important when the relationship meets an impasse. You need to what the problem really is. Are you picking on her about her outfit because you haven't had sex in 4 days? Are you accusing him of ignoring you all the time, when really he does a fair job most of the time, but tonight you're hungry and tired?
According to Emotional Intelligence research, men and women test the same overall, but men, on average, are not as empathic as women (Reuven BarOn). Simon-Baron, Cambridge professor of psychology and psychiatry agrees. His thesis in "The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and Female Brain) is: "The female brain is predominantly hard-wired for empathy. The male brain is predominantly hard-wired for understanding and building systems."
Of course the "average" man, statistically speaking, is not necessarily the individual sitting in front of you. But where there's smoke there's fire.So why the male emphasis on "honesty"? And are they referring to honesty about thoughts, feelings, facts, or what? If what we're being honest about is "the truth," how we feel is indisputable, and many facts are, but the truth of any given situation is relative, most of us would agree,or our relationships would not become the imbroglios they do"Mr. and Mrs. Smith does a great job or portraying marriage, and beings with him saying they've been married 5 years, and her saying "6". If there's an absolute truth ("reality"), it's of little use in human relations.
Men engage more in what's called "selective remembering."He remembers the games he won, not the games he lost. He remembers when to change the oil in the car, but not his girl-friend's birthday. Selective listening may be part of it. He hears that the prime rate has gone down, but not that you'd like more time with him. I couldn't help wonder if this client would hear "honesty" if it were given.
"Honesty", I think, is a systems-word. Women, in their profiles, are more likely to focus on behaviors. "Nophilanderers," they say, and "no addicts." You see the difference . if he's unfaithful and honest about it ,they're still not interested. Doh.
Women use language to connect, and are more hard-wired for emotion. They enjoy experiencing it and talking about it, while men consider emotions a call to discharge by action. They are not as likely to use a verbal strategy to deal with a feeling.
Women have a larger corpus callosum, so it's easier for us to talk about emotions. TALKING about a FEELING is multi-tasking, and one of the hardest things we ask our brains to do.
Women also say thousands more words a day than men do. Testosterone causes silence. Men talk about facts and want clarity and brevity. Women also, according to Reuven Bar-on, have a greater sense of social responsibility. Does this preclude honesty? When we meet for lunch, we greet each other as Nancy, and Kelly, and Meg. Men? Fatso, and Stupid and Loser. Are men being more "honest"? If so, are they being less socially responsible, i.e., not caring if they hurt the other guy's feelings? I can't imagine a man's feelings being hurt by that, yet no woman would greet another woman with Big Butt, Drama Queen, or Boobless Wonder, though they might think it.
Would being 100% honest insure the survival of a relationship? No. The person might be "honest" about the fact that they could not live with you any more and were filing for divorce. Do men say this because they're attempting to systemize, with rules? Or because they've found women to be "dishonest"?
I've heard more than one man say, "I don't know why she left me. I thought we had a perfect marriage. (Women divorce men more often than vice versa.) Variations include, "She was deceptive. I didn't know anything was wrong," and "She told me why she was leaving, but it doesn't make any sense." A plea for "honesty" might be a plea for comprehensibility.
A female client told me she told her man, "I love but, you I don't like you right now." He said she was being dishonest, "because you can't be both at once". It didn't fit his system or either/or. Honesty, I think, or the reporting of it, requires clear, logical thinking. Who's clear and logical when fighting with a lover? Or listening to one?If you're a man, are you listening, as in hearing? Thismeans hearing the feelings, not assessing the facts. If you're a woman, are you being clear? Women tend to know sooner when a relationship is headed for trouble and attempt to address it. If you're a man, are you hearing this as "being told what to do"?
I think this plea from men for honesty is a wish to be able to understand the woman they love (and themselves in the relationship). They want facts and clarity. However, to understand others, you must first understand yourself, and this means feelings. Honesty, alas, begins at home.
As a concept that I believe is both unachievable and potentially destructive, I tend to agree with Graham Greene: "The truth has never been of any real value to any human being - it is a symbol for mathematicians and philosophers to pursue. In human relations, kindness and lies are worth a thousands truths." It is nearly impossible for me to outright lie, about either a fact or a feeling, but I will at times do what the Arabs propose: "It is good to know the truth, but it is better to speak of palm trees." Discretion is the better part of valor.
There's something else to consider about being honest:
Whether it's true or not, it's true. As John Lilly said,"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true."
Now, what about total honesty between two people?Kindness may be of more value. Honesty should not be used as the weapon it can be. One of the cruelest things we can do is to use an intimate revelation against the person who said it. We know how to hurt the people we love. It's part of our obligation as a decent human beings not to do this. "Better a lie that heals than a truth that wounds," say the Czechs.
Should you be honest about your feelings? Yes . but. Let's say he wants sex and you don't. It's one thing to say, "I don't feel like it now. I had a terrible day at work," and even possible to say, "Not until you've taken a shower and put on some deodorant." But to say, "No, you're the worst lover I've ever had, and like you were saying about your ex-wife the other night ." That sort of "honesty" is inexcusable, and, if not true, soon will be.
There's no easy solution to this. I researched the world's proverbs on this subject we all struggle with. Most were in the vein of "Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine villages." (African). The Corsicans stood out: "He who tells the truth will never be unhappy," they say. Maybe the answer lies in the Arab proverb: "When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey."
An intimate relationship isn't a system, it's a dance, and the music is emotions. Developing your EQ is essential, so you can learn to know, manage and express your emotions better, and to practice the competency of forgiveness, which will always be needed.
Sometimes the most honest thing you can say is, "I don't know what to say now," and the most helpful thing you can say is, "I love you." And keep in mind, to paraphrase Thomas Leonard, we're all doing our very best, even when clearly we're not.
Not what are you going to say, honestly, to your loved one when she says, "Does my butt look fat in these pants?"and when he says, "Am I a good lover?" You can always got to a feeing, and here are some:
I feel uncomfortable when you ask me that.
I'm wondering why you ask.
I love you.
Let's talk about what you're really wanting to know.
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First I'm going to speculate as to why men say this and women don't, and then I want to talk about the place of honesty in a relationship.
As we know from research, and such books as "If Men Could Talk: Unlocking the Secret Language of Men," ), by Alon Gratch, Ph.D., men, as a rule, have more trouble verbalizing emotions, something most of us would also agree is crucial to an intimate relationship. Not that we need to talk about emotions all the time, but that it's necessary to know what you feel and to be able to communicate it when necessary. It becomes particularly important when the relationship meets an impasse. You need to what the problem really is. Are you picking on her about her outfit because you haven't had sex in 4 days? Are you accusing him of ignoring you all the time, when really he does a fair job most of the time, but tonight you're hungry and tired?
According to Emotional Intelligence research, men and women test the same overall, but men, on average, are not as empathic as women (Reuven BarOn). Simon-Baron, Cambridge professor of psychology and psychiatry agrees. His thesis in "The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and Female Brain) is: "The female brain is predominantly hard-wired for empathy. The male brain is predominantly hard-wired for understanding and building systems."
Of course the "average" man, statistically speaking, is not necessarily the individual sitting in front of you. But where there's smoke there's fire.So why the male emphasis on "honesty"? And are they referring to honesty about thoughts, feelings, facts, or what? If what we're being honest about is "the truth," how we feel is indisputable, and many facts are, but the truth of any given situation is relative, most of us would agree,or our relationships would not become the imbroglios they do"Mr. and Mrs. Smith does a great job or portraying marriage, and beings with him saying they've been married 5 years, and her saying "6". If there's an absolute truth ("reality"), it's of little use in human relations.
Men engage more in what's called "selective remembering."He remembers the games he won, not the games he lost. He remembers when to change the oil in the car, but not his girl-friend's birthday. Selective listening may be part of it. He hears that the prime rate has gone down, but not that you'd like more time with him. I couldn't help wonder if this client would hear "honesty" if it were given.
"Honesty", I think, is a systems-word. Women, in their profiles, are more likely to focus on behaviors. "Nophilanderers," they say, and "no addicts." You see the difference . if he's unfaithful and honest about it ,they're still not interested. Doh.
Women use language to connect, and are more hard-wired for emotion. They enjoy experiencing it and talking about it, while men consider emotions a call to discharge by action. They are not as likely to use a verbal strategy to deal with a feeling.
Women have a larger corpus callosum, so it's easier for us to talk about emotions. TALKING about a FEELING is multi-tasking, and one of the hardest things we ask our brains to do.
Women also say thousands more words a day than men do. Testosterone causes silence. Men talk about facts and want clarity and brevity. Women also, according to Reuven Bar-on, have a greater sense of social responsibility. Does this preclude honesty? When we meet for lunch, we greet each other as Nancy, and Kelly, and Meg. Men? Fatso, and Stupid and Loser. Are men being more "honest"? If so, are they being less socially responsible, i.e., not caring if they hurt the other guy's feelings? I can't imagine a man's feelings being hurt by that, yet no woman would greet another woman with Big Butt, Drama Queen, or Boobless Wonder, though they might think it.
Would being 100% honest insure the survival of a relationship? No. The person might be "honest" about the fact that they could not live with you any more and were filing for divorce. Do men say this because they're attempting to systemize, with rules? Or because they've found women to be "dishonest"?
I've heard more than one man say, "I don't know why she left me. I thought we had a perfect marriage. (Women divorce men more often than vice versa.) Variations include, "She was deceptive. I didn't know anything was wrong," and "She told me why she was leaving, but it doesn't make any sense." A plea for "honesty" might be a plea for comprehensibility.
A female client told me she told her man, "I love but, you I don't like you right now." He said she was being dishonest, "because you can't be both at once". It didn't fit his system or either/or. Honesty, I think, or the reporting of it, requires clear, logical thinking. Who's clear and logical when fighting with a lover? Or listening to one?If you're a man, are you listening, as in hearing? Thismeans hearing the feelings, not assessing the facts. If you're a woman, are you being clear? Women tend to know sooner when a relationship is headed for trouble and attempt to address it. If you're a man, are you hearing this as "being told what to do"?
I think this plea from men for honesty is a wish to be able to understand the woman they love (and themselves in the relationship). They want facts and clarity. However, to understand others, you must first understand yourself, and this means feelings. Honesty, alas, begins at home.
As a concept that I believe is both unachievable and potentially destructive, I tend to agree with Graham Greene: "The truth has never been of any real value to any human being - it is a symbol for mathematicians and philosophers to pursue. In human relations, kindness and lies are worth a thousands truths." It is nearly impossible for me to outright lie, about either a fact or a feeling, but I will at times do what the Arabs propose: "It is good to know the truth, but it is better to speak of palm trees." Discretion is the better part of valor.
There's something else to consider about being honest:
Whether it's true or not, it's true. As John Lilly said,"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true."
Now, what about total honesty between two people?Kindness may be of more value. Honesty should not be used as the weapon it can be. One of the cruelest things we can do is to use an intimate revelation against the person who said it. We know how to hurt the people we love. It's part of our obligation as a decent human beings not to do this. "Better a lie that heals than a truth that wounds," say the Czechs.
Should you be honest about your feelings? Yes . but. Let's say he wants sex and you don't. It's one thing to say, "I don't feel like it now. I had a terrible day at work," and even possible to say, "Not until you've taken a shower and put on some deodorant." But to say, "No, you're the worst lover I've ever had, and like you were saying about your ex-wife the other night ." That sort of "honesty" is inexcusable, and, if not true, soon will be.
There's no easy solution to this. I researched the world's proverbs on this subject we all struggle with. Most were in the vein of "Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine villages." (African). The Corsicans stood out: "He who tells the truth will never be unhappy," they say. Maybe the answer lies in the Arab proverb: "When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey."
An intimate relationship isn't a system, it's a dance, and the music is emotions. Developing your EQ is essential, so you can learn to know, manage and express your emotions better, and to practice the competency of forgiveness, which will always be needed.
Sometimes the most honest thing you can say is, "I don't know what to say now," and the most helpful thing you can say is, "I love you." And keep in mind, to paraphrase Thomas Leonard, we're all doing our very best, even when clearly we're not.
Not what are you going to say, honestly, to your loved one when she says, "Does my butt look fat in these pants?"and when he says, "Am I a good lover?" You can always got to a feeing, and here are some:
I feel uncomfortable when you ask me that.
I'm wondering why you ask.
I love you.
Let's talk about what you're really wanting to know.
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LOVE ADVICE FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Mankind is essentially spiritual. I don't even understand how people can discredit the unseen when they are aware of its presence all around them. We walk through a sea of air which cannot be seen. Radio waves that we cannot see are passing through us constantly. We're bombarded by atoms and neutrons and protons that are completely invisible.
We scientifically understand the spaces that exist between the actual "matters" of even the densest materials on earth are big enough to drive a truck through. Yet we see, touch and feel them as if they are solid. Science has taught us the unseen is much vaster and varied than the material world we look at every day. There are colors we cannot see and sounds we cannot hear but we know they exist.
We can't see the wind but we can feel the wind so we know it is there. Similarly we cannot see love but we can feel love so we know it is there. Where does love begin and end? From where does love originate? Are you, as an individual, able to manufacture love? The answer is no, you draw love from an unseen source. In fact, I will state it quite candidly. We are in a perpetual infinite sea of love itself. When we seek love it is like a fish in the ocean seeking water. The very substance of love is the substance of the universe. But because we have free will we are able to close off that part of us which receives love and imagine it doesn't exist for us; but it does.
In the temporary confines of our human selves we lose sight of reality, the love that surrounds us. We imagine we have to find love and when we find the right person we give love. This world can be seen as a terrible place when we don't feel loved. We get into all sorts of mischief desperately seeking someone to love and someone who will love us in return.
But there is a trick. The trick is to recognize relationships as a very specific reality within this unreality, a safe environment where we can give our love without fear. When we have established the relationship of a marriage or our intention to be married we agree to open our hearts so love can flow through without restrictions. As a human being you are capable of loving every single human being in the world. Why don't you? Somehow you have it in your head that if you love everyone and everything you become vulnerable, so you restrict yourself and feel the pain of the restriction.
Now I'm not saying that you should become promiscuous or a flower child of the sixties. I am saying giving love is not the same as expressing love. When you are in a safe relationship, i.e. marriage, you can express love fully and that is in fact one of the purposes of marriage. The point is when you are in a marital relationship it is to your benefit to give love in as many great ways as you can imagine. When you do so you open up a channel within yourself and you are able to feel and receive the love you are giving.
We have all heard the expression that the more love you give the more you'll receive. It is a true statement but completely misunderstood. It isn't as people imagine that when you give love to others they will want to love you back. People love who they love, not those who love them. What the saying means is when you give love you are experiencing the love that is flowing through you. The fact of the matter is giving love allows you to feel love in more of an adulterated form. The love that you give is coming directly from the source of love, rather than the filtered version that comes from someone else. Does this make sense to you? So, interestingly, you receive far more love by giving it than by getting it.
We are essentially spiritual beings who thrive on love because love comes from the same source we come from: God. To deny God is to deny love and to deny love is to deny God. This is not a religious thought but rather a very practical thought that allows us to enjoy our existence. There is no greater enjoyment and feeling than love. So please remember to tell your spouse or your significant other, "I love you."
Resources
See All articles From Author
Paul Friedman, author of http://www.lessonsforahappymarriage.com, entered into the business of helping couples mend their marriages after a very rough personal experience with divorce. He discovered the truth from his clients: they only sought divorce because the help they found to stay together didn't work. Read more here: http://lessonsforahappymarriage.com/ relationship-advice-blog.html
Article Source : http://www.article-content-king.com
We scientifically understand the spaces that exist between the actual "matters" of even the densest materials on earth are big enough to drive a truck through. Yet we see, touch and feel them as if they are solid. Science has taught us the unseen is much vaster and varied than the material world we look at every day. There are colors we cannot see and sounds we cannot hear but we know they exist.
We can't see the wind but we can feel the wind so we know it is there. Similarly we cannot see love but we can feel love so we know it is there. Where does love begin and end? From where does love originate? Are you, as an individual, able to manufacture love? The answer is no, you draw love from an unseen source. In fact, I will state it quite candidly. We are in a perpetual infinite sea of love itself. When we seek love it is like a fish in the ocean seeking water. The very substance of love is the substance of the universe. But because we have free will we are able to close off that part of us which receives love and imagine it doesn't exist for us; but it does.
In the temporary confines of our human selves we lose sight of reality, the love that surrounds us. We imagine we have to find love and when we find the right person we give love. This world can be seen as a terrible place when we don't feel loved. We get into all sorts of mischief desperately seeking someone to love and someone who will love us in return.
But there is a trick. The trick is to recognize relationships as a very specific reality within this unreality, a safe environment where we can give our love without fear. When we have established the relationship of a marriage or our intention to be married we agree to open our hearts so love can flow through without restrictions. As a human being you are capable of loving every single human being in the world. Why don't you? Somehow you have it in your head that if you love everyone and everything you become vulnerable, so you restrict yourself and feel the pain of the restriction.
Now I'm not saying that you should become promiscuous or a flower child of the sixties. I am saying giving love is not the same as expressing love. When you are in a safe relationship, i.e. marriage, you can express love fully and that is in fact one of the purposes of marriage. The point is when you are in a marital relationship it is to your benefit to give love in as many great ways as you can imagine. When you do so you open up a channel within yourself and you are able to feel and receive the love you are giving.
We have all heard the expression that the more love you give the more you'll receive. It is a true statement but completely misunderstood. It isn't as people imagine that when you give love to others they will want to love you back. People love who they love, not those who love them. What the saying means is when you give love you are experiencing the love that is flowing through you. The fact of the matter is giving love allows you to feel love in more of an adulterated form. The love that you give is coming directly from the source of love, rather than the filtered version that comes from someone else. Does this make sense to you? So, interestingly, you receive far more love by giving it than by getting it.
We are essentially spiritual beings who thrive on love because love comes from the same source we come from: God. To deny God is to deny love and to deny love is to deny God. This is not a religious thought but rather a very practical thought that allows us to enjoy our existence. There is no greater enjoyment and feeling than love. So please remember to tell your spouse or your significant other, "I love you."
Resources
See All articles From Author
Paul Friedman, author of http://www.lessonsforahappymarriage.com, entered into the business of helping couples mend their marriages after a very rough personal experience with divorce. He discovered the truth from his clients: they only sought divorce because the help they found to stay together didn't work. Read more here: http://lessonsforahappymarriage.com/ relationship-advice-blog.html
Article Source : http://www.article-content-king.com
DATE ACCORDING TO STANDARD
Dating is not marriage.It is not a time to sleep together.It does not grant anyone licence to start living together as husband and wife.It is not a season of staying out late at night with your man or woman.Nor is it a time of hanging around streets and corners of the road for people to notice you and make mockery of your relationship or your religion.
Dating is a time to talk together,pray together,plan together,study yourselves,match yourselves,consider your ways make up your minds,count the cost,set goals,look unto God for his approval and provision.It is an important time in the life of the singles and must be taken seriously.
The dating standard of joseph and mary ,the mother of jesus in matthew 1:18-25 is of mgreat example to the singles in our time.If you read that scripture very well,you will discover that joseph was a just man (righteous man),and he did not commit fornication with mary before they came together (got married).This is how it ought to be in the lives of true children of God.They must receive grace to live the standard set for them by our heavenly father.Anything short of it is not accepted by him.May he strengthen us always to be chaste and self control in jesus precious name,amen. Holding Hands, Holding Hearts: Recovering a Biblical View of Christian Dating
,What Women Wish You Knew about Dating: A Single Guy's Guide to Romantic Relationships
Dating is a time to talk together,pray together,plan together,study yourselves,match yourselves,consider your ways make up your minds,count the cost,set goals,look unto God for his approval and provision.It is an important time in the life of the singles and must be taken seriously.
The dating standard of joseph and mary ,the mother of jesus in matthew 1:18-25 is of mgreat example to the singles in our time.If you read that scripture very well,you will discover that joseph was a just man (righteous man),and he did not commit fornication with mary before they came together (got married).This is how it ought to be in the lives of true children of God.They must receive grace to live the standard set for them by our heavenly father.Anything short of it is not accepted by him.May he strengthen us always to be chaste and self control in jesus precious name,amen. Holding Hands, Holding Hearts: Recovering a Biblical View of Christian Dating
,What Women Wish You Knew about Dating: A Single Guy's Guide to Romantic Relationships
MAKE AN INTELLIGENT CHOICE
The reason i want to write on this topic is to balance the place of God in helping us our life partner and the part we should play as God 's children in making our choice.Without any doubt or controversy God is the one who gives us every good and perfect gift.Any gift we receive from God or any choice he helps us to make in marriage should be regarded as a perfect choice.
You should not be carried away by things that glitter,for not all are golden.While making choice,make sure the person you are choosing is a godly person ,a strong believer in God.This must come first before considering beauty,colour,career, education,age,background etc.
The choice you make today will determine where you will tomorrow.If you make an intelligent choice,your future will be bright.But if make a stupid choice your life will look stupid.Make sure you make choice full of vision,purpose,faith,love,joy and peace.The Choice Effect: Love and Commitment in an Age of Too Many ,The Best of Times
.
You should not be carried away by things that glitter,for not all are golden.While making choice,make sure the person you are choosing is a godly person ,a strong believer in God.This must come first before considering beauty,colour,career, education,age,background etc.
The choice you make today will determine where you will tomorrow.If you make an intelligent choice,your future will be bright.But if make a stupid choice your life will look stupid.Make sure you make choice full of vision,purpose,faith,love,joy and peace.The Choice Effect: Love and Commitment in an Age of Too Many ,The Best of Times
.
UNDERSTAND GOD'S PURPOSE FOR MARRIAGE
One of the steps you must take to get speedy courtship and breakthrough in marriage is to understand God purpose for marriage.
God's purpose for marriage is for:
companionship: Genesis 2:18."and the lord God said ,it is not good that man should be alone;i will made him a help meet for him .
Mutual support and help: Ecc.4:9-12 "Two are better than one ,because they have a good reward for their labour .For if they fall ,the other one will lift up his fellow:but woe to him that is alone when he failed ;for he hath not another to help him up.Again ,if two lie together,then they have heat :but how can one be warn alone?
procreation: Genesis 1:28 "And God blessed them, and God said unto them ,be fruitful,and multiply ,and replenish the earth ,and subdue it:and have dominion over the---" see also psalm 27:3-5.
sexual fulfillment with purity: (a remedy for infidelity) -Heb 13:4 "marriage is honourable in all and the bed undefiled: but whoremonger and adulterers God will judge" read also 1 cor.6:13-20.
For spiritual,moral,social,economical and physical reinforcement and multiplied performance: read Gen.1;26,Gen.2:23-25,Gen.12:9-30,Deut 32:30,Ecc4:9-12
These are God's purpose for marriage .Marriage breakthrough can be easily come to you when you have known the purpose .Knowing the purpose will help you to walk towards it ,and make plans,prepare and position yourself.
God's purpose for marriage is for:
companionship: Genesis 2:18."and the lord God said ,it is not good that man should be alone;i will made him a help meet for him .
Mutual support and help: Ecc.4:9-12 "Two are better than one ,because they have a good reward for their labour .For if they fall ,the other one will lift up his fellow:but woe to him that is alone when he failed ;for he hath not another to help him up.Again ,if two lie together,then they have heat :but how can one be warn alone?
procreation: Genesis 1:28 "And God blessed them, and God said unto them ,be fruitful,and multiply ,and replenish the earth ,and subdue it:and have dominion over the---" see also psalm 27:3-5.
sexual fulfillment with purity: (a remedy for infidelity) -Heb 13:4 "marriage is honourable in all and the bed undefiled: but whoremonger and adulterers God will judge" read also 1 cor.6:13-20.
For spiritual,moral,social,economical and physical reinforcement and multiplied performance: read Gen.1;26,Gen.2:23-25,Gen.12:9-30,Deut 32:30,Ecc4:9-12
These are God's purpose for marriage .Marriage breakthrough can be easily come to you when you have known the purpose .Knowing the purpose will help you to walk towards it ,and make plans,prepare and position yourself.
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