What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold

Everything was great.
We had been dating for 6 months. We shared the same interests, felt very at ease together, had (often)
discussed future plans and had even spent some of the holidays together. Our relationship seemed right on track
and just right in general.
Then, without warning, he said he "needs some time to think and figure things out." He stopped calling and rarely
returned my calls. When he did, I was often met with silence on the other end of the line. When I asked "what
happened", I just got a verbal run around of excuses about how busy he is and/or how much stress he is under
right now.
What happened? What did I do? I don't know what to think.
Does the above scenario sound at all familiar? If so, you can relate to being confused and stunned over the sudden
change in a boyfriend's/girlfriend's behavior.
Now think about this - What if your relationship wasn't what you thought it was? What if unspoken issues had
existed all along? What if there were signs you chose to ignore or just didn't see? Are any of these possible?
Probably.
This sudden change in a couple's relationship is reported quite a bit by individuals who have just broken up with
a significant other. Unfortunately, it leaves the person who has been "dumped" with feelings of low self-esteem,
regret, inadequacy and anger.
There is often no real closure, as the couple is never able (willing) to talk through what went wrong or was never right
with their relationship.
So, how can you know what the problem was and hope to avoid a repeat of this hurtful experience? You can do this
by examining your failed relationship and gaining insight and understanding about what just wasn't right between you.
In order to assist you with this; I am providing a basic framework of the relationship stages a couple must pass
through TOGETHER in order to get to a place of shared intimacy and commitment. If either person's feelings
change before, during or after one of these stages; it is not necessarily the "fault" of the other individual. It is simply
a statement about the individuals' rightness (or not) for each other. It is also a reflection of each individual's relationship
readiness and ability to handle long-term, committed intimacy.
How an individual handles their changing feelings and resultant behavior toward the other is a subject for another article.
Relationships have stages. We have all read articles and books by authors who have come up with their own unique
number or names for these. I will try to take a very basic approach to this and keep it simple and as universal as
possible.
Attraction
This is the first stage. It is physical, intellectual and emotional - on a very surface level. Girl sees boy and vice versa. They
flirt, talk and get a very basic sense of the other. They are usually responding to a physical pull. He/she is cute,
funny, charming, interesting to talk to, etc.
Without attraction, first dates wouldn't happen. It can therefore be assumed that the other person finds us attractive if
we have gotten to a first date.
In a way, this is the easy one. We are unknowns to each other. Things progress from this point or they do not. Hurt
feelings are minimal. We usually chalk up rejection to; "I'm not his type". There is no need to analyze or wonder
what went wrong.
If both people feel a strong enough level of attraction continues to exist after a few dates, they usually move along to
stage two. However, if one finds the other has unattractive characteristics or behaviors, this can lead to an abrupt change
in the relationship.
Remember, these behaviors or characteristics would be ones that would manifest in the very early stage of dating.
Some examples: frequently late, never offers to pay, dresses or grooms sloppily, rude to waitress, etc.
Romantic Relating
In this second stage, couples begin to test out the idea of themselves as a unit. Dating is no longer brand new. It is more
comfortable and predictable. Sharing romantic dinners and exciting special interests are typical dates during this new
and fun time in a growing relationship.
During this stage, flowers are given for no special reason and loving cards are slipped back and forth with
words like "thinking of you". It's a happy carefree time, when lovers tend to idealize, romanticize and overlook
that which can be right in front of them. The relationship seems effortless and spontaneous. Affection is shared openly
and frequently. One's partner seems perfect. There is rarely conflict during this period. The partners often share
the unrealistic belief that their relationship is so special and unique that it will always stay this way.
This stage can last from three or four months up to more than a year. It is actually the shortest stage that any
long-term relationship goes through. It is also the one we wish we could hold on to forever and long for when it is gone.
This is the stage that love poems speak about. It is also believed (falsely) by many that this is what long-term
committed love will always be like.
Many relationships begin to stumble at the end of this period. For that is when reality begins to set in. As partners
begin to experience some disagreement, conflict and/or shared challenges- the relationship shifts as do the
dynamics between the partners.
Though many relationships move past this stage, a number do not. Why? There are many reasons. These can include:
* lack of readiness for the challenges of the next stage
* issues with commitment and fidelity
* immature beliefs about what relationships should be
* being stuck on an idealized, romanticized notion of love
If one of the partners is not ready for a less than perfect and more demanding stage of love, they will exhibit this in their
behavior, language and overall level of openness and availability towards the other.
This is when the couple begins to think more seriously of a future with each other. The focus tends to be;
how well do we get along, do we share similar interests and do I want to date this person exclusively?
Growth Through Negotiation
This is a very challenging and growing time in all relationship building. Reality comes into play as the couple
settles into the comfort and predictability of their togetherness. Little issues can become blown-up into large conflicts.
The individuals begin to compete for their share of control and their place in this growing union. Differences
can become highlighted instead of minimized.
This is often the period when couples experience their first fight. Hurt feelings can occur as that once loving
and completely accepting other person airs a criticism or voices annoyance or concern. Often, the individuals
believe it is the other person who needs to change.
This is where the need for (or lack of) communication, problem-solving and negotiating skills becomes apparent.
For without an adequate measure of these, disagreements can break down into screaming matches where
insults and recriminations are fired like missiles.
If the individuals can listen, be supportive of each other's feelings, compromise and not lay blame, they have
a good chance of working through this stage and achieving a true intimacy. This does not mean they will share
all the same beliefs and opinions or that they will necessarily even like the other's view. However, having and
showing respect is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
Not only will relationships fail without these relationship-building strengths, they can also abruptly end if
one of the partners decides that they don't feel the same way about this person in their less than idealized
state. The reality may not be to their liking or just something they are not ready for in general. Either way,
they will pull back, present differently or disappear without warning. How they handle their changing feelings
is further information about their level of relationship readiness and maturity in general.
Intimacy
Intimacy is the reward that is gained when a couple has successfully worked through the difficult last stage of
negotiation. It is almost like a new coming together with much greater self (and other) awareness. This new information
can work to solidify the union or give one of both individuals enough new information about the other to require
a reassessment of their desire to remain together.
Each person looks at the other in their (naked) state and asks; "is this the person I want to be with"? Here their individual
differences are highlighted. The early romantic haze has cleared. What they have to offer to each other and to
a future life together comes into play.
This is a time when couples often begin to contemplate each other's attributes in a more practical way.
They look at the other's strengths and weaknesses. They evaluate each other's potential as a future spouse,
parent, provider, caregiver, partner, etc.
Relationships can be tested more during this time. Infidelity is one dysfunctional way that some individuals
do this. Often, this leads to the end of the relationship.
When differences can be seen, aired and accepted, the couple has a good chance of moving on together
from this place. Essentially, they have decided they want to be with the other, warts and all.
When the behavior of one or both partners change, it is generally because they have made a conscious or
unconscious decision regarding the wrongness of the other for them or for the type of relationship they seek.
Commitment
This is the final stage of relationship building. Once individuals have reached this place, they are ready to
cement their bond. While much growth and work will lay ahead in a future life together, they are
ready to begin this life soon.
New challenges arise during each stage, and will happen here as well. However, if the couple has successfully
worked through the previous stages, they should have many of the tools they need.
The external problems and pressures that come with life will test their resolve and commitment over the
years. They may need to reassess, re-negotiate and renew their feelings and commitment. Fortunately,
they will be in possession of the basic tools required.
If they choose well to begin with, they should be successful.
As you evaluate your failed relationship, note the stage you were in when the change occurred. Chances are that
the necessary level of readiness and maturity was not present in one or both of you. Perhaps one of you
decided that this is not the kind of partner or relationship I am seeking.
This new information and insight should help you to choose a future partner who is better suited to you and desirous
of the same kind of relationship that you are.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/431

Do You Suspect That Your Partner Will Dump You?

If yes, you are probably leaving a stressful life. In this article, you will learn to read the subtle warning signs of a possible break up. You will get tips to prevent separation and divorce. To understand these early signs of a break up are extremely helpful because you can take necessary steps to improve your relation with your partner.
If you admit that, your relation with your partner is crumbling, you need to control the situation because you can't lose the love of your life
Here you will learn 3 tips to understand your partner is showing signs of a breakup
1. Your lover stops discussing future plan of with you. This means partner is rethinking a new future where you do not exist.
2. Your partner is getting calls from people and your partner is not interested to share all the details with you. Partners in deep passionate relationship generally share everything. If you noticed your partner is becoming too secretive, it's a red flag for your relation.
3. Partner avoid talking with you is another sign of possible break up of relationship.
These are just a few warning signs of a breakup. You also need to keep a watchful eye on your partner if you discover any of these symptoms.
What are the possible reasons for a break up?
1.Your relationship is no longer charming and hot. You need to find ways to spiced up your relationship.
2. Your partner is attracted to somebody in the office. You need to take action to catch cheating spouse as early as possible.
3. If your partner starts living other place or stops accepting your phone call, you need to make a strategy to communicate with your partner instead of showing urgency and emotion. Communication is the secret key to win your partner back. If you call your partner continuously it will damage the relation further.
Here is your blueprint to improve your relation and stop possible break up

1. Immediately after break up, you need to behave in a mature way. In magic of making up you will learn all tricks to get your ex back. Just follow it
2. Whenever you suspect infidelity in the relation, you need to find out details. You will get excellent tips on catch cheating spouse in my blog.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1224691

3 Signs That Your Ex-Lover Did Not Really Want To Go: What You Can Do To Be Back Again

If you are one of those people who have lost their lovers to other people, but who still wish to have them back, there are three key areas you can take advantage of, to begin to recover him or her to yourself again. These three signs have been proven to show that partners do not actually want to separate in the first place; but that they just wanted somethings to be corrected somewhere and they would return to their Ex-lovers again. With these three signs you can begin to work towards restoring the mutual relationship that once existed between you and tour Ex-lover. So, check out the following signs:
1. Whenever you meet your Ex by chance at any place, and you discover that he or she exhibits some degree of nervousness accompanied by a twisted face, then something is up in the air. The twist in the face could look like the person did not wish to see you at the moment. Yes, this is a good point to take note of. The reaction on the face, often, is not actually the true state of his or her mind. The repulsive look on the face, in most cases, is an attempt to fight off a disturbance agonising him or her inside because of the wonderful experiences you have shared together in the past. He or she is actually missing you, but some unresolved issues are preventing him or her from admitting it.
2. If, once in a while, you hear people saying the things that your Ex-lover has said about you in your back, do not worry whether the remarks are good or bad ones, if you also notice that your Ex is obsessed with mentioning you to other people during casual conversations. Something is not letting your Ex-lover to rest; and that is your absence. His or her conscience is attacking him daily by using the good things you did for him or her in the past to deal with him or her inside. Those negative reports you may hear are shallow efforts advanced by your Ex-lover in attempt to push you off his or her mind. But meet him or her in a silent corner of the room; there you will know that he or she is not in peace because you are no more in his or her life.
3. Each time you are faced with a challenge and you realise that your Ex-lover grudgingly makes him/herself available to render help to you when others have contacted him or her on your behalf, then take note. If somebody has taken a firm decision to part ways with you, he or she will never allow him/herself to be drawn to you again. For the fact that the person could still do something for you means that, to some extent, he or she still has a room for you in his or her heart. But the mutilation on his or her face is merely saying that there are certain things that needs to be resolved between the two of you for cordial relations to return.
There are some other things partners do that clearly show they never wanted the separation that occurred between them and their lovers to have happened in the first place. But the ones stated here are good enough to start you off towards a peaceful recovery. Some of the things you can do to begin to restore your broken relationship by maximizing these signs are:
- Stop carrying unhappy countenance whenever you find yourself around your Ex. Everybody likes to come around people who have smiling faces. Bright looks act like an eraser. They erase offences in the minds of people gradually and surely.

- Do not make him or her feel you are begging for his or her attention. Whatever you find yourself doing around the person, let your whole mind be in it. Nothing confuses Ex's like the feeling that you are no longer a slave to them by the ways you act.
- If in any case he or she seeks to talk to you, pay good attention to what is being said and speak only when you are sure you have understood the details of what he or she has said. Please, go straight to the point and make sure no any hint of shyness or timidity shows on your face.
- Some qualifies experts have some powerful tips for you. Apply them along with the ones here and watch as your Ex-lover returns to you, begging. Now, rather than bragging to him or her for returning to you, kindly receive him or her with two hands, possibly, amidst tears.

Here is a page where you can find more help: http://bit.ly/2bn0R97

Five Strategies for Dealing With Difficult People

Thanks to advancements in psychology and human relations, we know much more than before about problem solving and conflict resolution. Books have been written about assertive communication and negotiation strategies, for example.
But these skills don't work with some groups of difficult people, for a number of reasons:

• Prolonged alcoholism and other types of substance abuse have damaged their rational thinking functions
• Deep-seated alienation or hatred has destroyed their ability to form the bonds needed for partnerships and shared goals
• A manic disorder makes them think they're not obliged to follow the rules that govern everyone else's behavior
• A love for power causes them act against their own best interests in order to score points against you

If you've always believed that caring and good communication will solve any problem, a relationship with a difficult person can cause severe self-doubt and depression. For example, many substance abusers place a high value on revenge. You're likely to make a permanent enemy if you tactfully take them aside for a private talk. Similarly, communicating your feelings in carefully crafted "I messages" won't work for a person who can't identify with normal human emotions.
Listed below are strategies that sometimes work when you're trying to resolve a problem with a difficult person. Two cautions are in order. First, the operative word is "sometimes." Nothing works all the time, especially when you're dealing with a difficult person. Second, these are unusual strategies that should be reserved for situations when ordinary problem-solving strategies don't seem to be working.
Talking to a Difficult Person

• If you're planning to confront your difficult person, take someone else with you--or organize a group and plan an intervention. This approach seems counterintuitive: Why embarrass the person? But bringing the problems into the open can sometimes sidestep manipulation and retaliation.


• Discuss the situation from the difficult person's viewpoint, showing both current and future negative consequences if things don't improve. A difficult person may be incapable of understanding your experience and your pain, but he or she may understand the risk of divorce, broken friendships, lost prestige, or an aborted career.

Thinking Outside the Box

• Catch the person by surprise. If a longstanding relationship isn't working, both of you probably tend to react to problems in predictable ways. But if you respond in an unexpected way, you might prompt the difficult person to do some self-examination and make some changes. For example, decide not to get angry when a difficult person baits you. Or react to an insult with curiosity: "Is that true? I never knew that about myself." Instead of criticizing annoying behavior, talk about yourself in a vulnerable way. Note that these are occasional tactics: Don't become a doormat to an offensive person.


• Take responsibility for your own choices. Once you suspect that you're dealing with an intractably difficult relationship, take ownership of your own actions. For example, don't make plans with a person who's chronically and thoughtlessly late. Disengage from anyone who's rude or abusive to you, and don't offer gifts of time, money, or help to someone who doesn't understand gratitude.


• If a situation is steadily spiraling downward, considering withdrawing. Do not use warnings, threats, or apologies to delay your departure. Avoid ultimatums ("If you do that again, I'm out of here"), and don't offer explanations ("I'm doing this for your own good"). Sometimes difficult people are so puffed up with their own version of reality that they forget how much they depend on other people. A temporary departure can bring stability back to a rocky relationship and, when necessary, a permanent break can be the first step in your own healing.

If All Else Fails
Talk with a therapist or clergyperson who can support and guide you while you're dealing with the situation. In the workplace, your human resources office may be able to help. If you suspect substance abuse, visit Al-Anon or a similar support group.
Try directing your own thinking down new pathways and into undiscovered avenues. Look for patterns, causes, warning signs, and insights. View problems as an opportunity to learn. This does not mean that you should stop having compassion for yourself or that you should make excuses for the difficult person. It does mean that when you eventually emerge from the dark tunnel of confusion and anger, something new will be waiting for you. Be ready for it, look for it, and take it with you.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6430874

Dealing With a High Conflict Personality? Three Goals for Survival

Do you have a partner, a colleague, a friend, a loved one where everything is a challenge and every conversation becomes a competition; where if they don't get their way, there is hell to pay; where they are relentless in their pursuit; where somehow or other they are always right; where if they lose, someone else is always to blame? Then that person may have a High Conflict Personality (HCP). They may be a High Conflict Person (HCP)
Coined by Bill Eddy in 2003, Bill is an American with degrees in law and social work. Bill realized that the standard personality diagnosis available in the Diagnostic and Statistic's Manual didn't convey some common features of this personality disposition. Although not an actually recognized diagnosis as per the manual on psychiatric disorders, the High Conflict Personality resonates loud and clear for those working in the field of human relationships, be those relationships be between intimate couples, separated couples, employees or employees and employers or managers.
Bill Eddy identifies the main features of the HCP as including;
All or none thinking;
Unmanaged emotions;
Extreme behaviors;
Blaming others.
All or none thinking is also referred to as dichotomous thinking, where the persons sees things as either night or day, good or bad. Everything is divided very simply in two, with one part seen as favorable and the other part seen as unfavorable. There is no gray area in this person's thinking. You are either for me and my way of doing things or wanting what I want or... not. There is no real room for compromise, middle or creative solutions where both sides may come away satisfied. And whoa-be-tied if this person isn't satisfied because then you will see unmanaged emotions.
Those unmanaged emotions typically come across as hostility, anger, bitterness and resentment. They are expressed clearly and often loudly. You will always know when an HCP is unsatisfied with an outcome and so will everyone around the person.
As for extreme behaviors, these are not just persons who vent their discontent, they seek to discharge their discontent overtly. These are the persons who will try to "out" you as somehow inferior, wrong or bad; let others know their view of you; try to influence others to their side and their projection of you as a terrible person. These are the people who will file complaints and if unsatisfied with the outcome of the complaint, may escalate the matter further by then complaining about the complaint process and those involved. They may suggest conspiracy theories and continue to seek to bring others to their way of thinking and seeing themselves as the victim.
The HCP lacks insight and cannot reflect upon themselves and their own behavior to appreciate their contribution to distress As a result, they externalize their upset by projecting blame on others. In Bill Eddy terms, they seek a target of blame.
Like a laser guided missile or a junk yard dog on a bone, they will zero in and not let go. They seek to not just hold their target of blame somehow accountable for misfortune originating with themselves, but to annihilate the person who they see as thwarting their objective. This is consistent with their all or none thinking. There can be no good in the person they are seeking to annihilate. Their target of blame is all bad and nothing that person has ever done could be good. Their solutions require their target of blame to not only lose with regard to the matter of dispute, but to lose everything either personally or professionally.
There are different degrees of HCP, but the underlying features remain. To add, each HCP will possess a different level of sophistication. As such, some people with HCP will be easily seen as the source of the problem, despite their complaints and projections. These are the persons whose behavior may be so extreme as to create trouble with the law or whose lies are so self-evident that other people can quickly see through them, or whose claims are so outrageous so as not to make sense on face value.
Then there are the ones who are more sophisticated, who are able to keep their behavior on the lawful side of the line, who may use more institutional structures to act out their discontent. These are the persons who will take to the Internet to post anonymous complaints and diatribes; who will make countless complaints to review boards; who will seek to undermine ones position or profession; who will continually seek to take things to courts at any level. These people can distort the truth and make their false claims appear plausible. These are the persons who are adept at lawful harassment and indeed may be more dangerous as a result.
Bill Eddy advises of a number of approaches to working with people High Conflict Personalities. One approach regards how to reply or respond to the diatribes and lengthy emails, texts and voice messages often associated with these persons. Bill speaks of BIFF - Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. The challenge is to not be inducted or defensive with regard to every point and issue raised by this person, but to stay true to the kernel of the issue at hand and only address that issue and to do so reasonably, clearly and with a friendly tone.
The other strategy Bill suggests, he refers to as EAR - Empathy, Attention, Respect. Bill suggests that any persons who he would identify as having an HCP may also have an underlying Narcissistic Personality Disorder. So while many HCPs may have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, not all Narcissistic Personality Disorders are HCPs. Assuming an underlying Narcasistic personality Disorder, the EAR approach address the person's need to be seen as extra special, unique and deserving of respect and attention, regardless of how you may truly feel about the person and regardless of that person's actual behavior.
BIFF and EAR are all about management strategies to cope, get along with, negotiate with, etc. These strategies are not about changing the person identified as having a HCP, but only to co-exist, manage or survive.
Do BIFF and EAR always work? Absolutely not. Sometimes regardless of approach, the person with the HCP will just not like the outcome regardless of approach and will continue to rail upon their target of blame continuing to seek their desired outcome.
Therapy for the person identified as HCP tends to be of little to no value. Given a lack of insight, their inability to reflect upon themselves precludes traditional therapy.
If you are in a relationship with such a person, or working with such a person or exiting a relationship with such a person, get help and support for yourself. You can learn better coping and management strategies. This won't necessarily make the associated issues go away, but it may at least provide some degree of relief.
As much as you may want to set the record straight, don't bother. These persons will outshout you and your defense only creates the conditions for them to continue. The real goals are
To be at peace with yourself;
Seek outcomes that while not perfect, are bearable;
And get on with your own life.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9527256

Bullies, Abusers & Deceivers Disguised As Friends

Friendships are very important. The older you get, the more you treasure and value true friends. You often share your innermost secrets with your friends. Consequently, it's devastating when someone you trusted turns out to be someone so evil, you don't even recognize them anymore. The pain from this type of betrayal rivals what you'd experience if you discovered a romantic partner was secretly trying to harm you, while pretending to protect you. This is a very devastating experience, and it's one that's happening far too frequently nowadays. (It's my personal opinion there's a spiritual component to the rash of disorderly, anti-social behavior we're seeing.)
Several years ago, after a devastatingly betrayal by a close family member, I stumbled upon an article about emotional vampires. Further reading led me to learn more about malignant narcissism. Then, I realized the description closely matched these behaviors. Women (and men) who psychologically abuse others are not well themselves. They typically suffer from what psychologists call personality disorders, such as malignant narcissism or narcissistic sociopathy. There are other conditions as well, such as borderline personality disorder, a close cousin, and histrionic personality disorder. A common thread that runs through all of them is poor impulse control and inability to maintain relationships.
Normal, healthy and happy people do not try to make life difficult for those around them. But the personality-disordered women described above often go out of their way to do so. A malignant narcissist/sociopath (narcopath) will take months, if not years, planning and plotting for just the right time to strike. She will never do anything unless she's assured of "victory."
For a female narcopath, this means ruining her target's other friendships and separating her from important people in her life. She accomplishes this by telling outrageous fabrications, designed to make the target look bad. The lies, gossip, character assassination and other destructive maneuvers are often what we see when a friendship blows apart. This is malignant narcissism and sociopathy playing out, as the female bully shifts her gears into discard mode. This serves a dual purpose for the female bully. First, she gets to watch her target suffer, since what she's done is very cruel. (Narcopaths derive pleasure from other people's pain.) With everyone questioning the target's actions and motives, the narcissist can now count on them not to offer any resistance when she launches a full-scale attack, designed to destroy the target. Relationships are only games to a narcopath. She is paranoid and always believes everyone is either "on her side" or against her, like a game of Red Rover. She wants to win at all costs. She views people as objects to be added or removed at her will. She lacks any moral fortitude whatsoever, and as such, has no qualms or remorse in using deception and manipulation to turn others against her target. She revels in the fact she can manipulate others into believing her lies. Psychologists call this type of behavior "relational aggression."
It was once thought that this behavior was predominately seen in men, but it is becoming more clear that this was an incorrect assumption. Mental health research has found that this type of behavior appears equally in women, with a twist. Female bullies (predators) abuse their victims on a more emotional level, by marginalizing them and excluding them. All is not lost, so don't despair if you find yourself the target of one or more female bullies, i.e. narcopaths. While it may seem as if she is flying high, just know this is only for a season. Her crash is coming. Narcopaths always end up losing, as their lies and deception eventually convict them. Here are some of the many ways in which narcissists wind up as the ultimate losers.

• Narcopaths tend to target loyal people whom are actually their true friends, although it is a very one-sided arrangement. Throughout their lives, they ruin a series of these friendships. This is a loss, although they certainly don't realize it at the time.
• Narcopaths are miserable inside. If they weren't, they wouldn't behave in such a treacherous way.
• Along with this inner emptiness is deep self-loathing. How can you possible like yourself, when you behave in a way so harmful to others?
• Narcopaths live in fear of exposure. They want to be loved and admired. But if people around them knew their true personality, the narcopath would lose the adoration and attention she desperately craves.
• Narcopaths often end up very lonely, as their deceit and lies catch up with them. Oftentimes, the pack of flying monkeys they recruit, to help in their abuse of one target, end up turning on them when they realize the power the narcopath wields is imaginary.
• As a Catholic, I also believe there are serious spiritual consequences to abusing someone. These will start in this life, and continue into the next.

Knowledge is power, especially when we're dealing with a malignant narcissist. Learning all you can about this disorder is the best way to protect yourself from these emotional predators.
If you find the information provided free of charge helpful and valuable here at Surviving the Narcopath, please consider making a donation, via PayPal, to help me maintain the site. Thank you.

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Facebook Use Guidelines for a Happy Marriage or Relationship

Single people struggle with the negative effects Facebook can have on them and how to adjust their use for more positivity, and couples do too according to one statistic that says Facebook has become a leading cause of divorce. If you haven't had it come between you on occasion, consider yourself lucky. Yes, while it's true that Facebook may only amplify a couple's pre-existing problems (like infidelity), it's still considerate to read and apply the following guidelines out of respect for your relationship. My favorite relationship analogy comes from the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. In her book she describes your relationship like a house that needs to be protected by keeping doors and windows secure. Our actions can open windows and doors to unwanted riff raff, so we need to consciously decide what we are letting in and out. The following guidelines can get you started.
1. Wear your Facebook wedding band
I'm talking about your relationship status here. Changing your relationship status to 'In a relationship' or more specifically "In a relationship with _________" (tag your love) is an effective way to tell your friends and any of your profile visitors that you are happily taken. Acknowledging your anniversary is also a nice gesture.
2. Filter your friend requests
The rule of thumb is to only add people you know in real life. This excludes a lot of riff raff for single and committed people alike. But in a relationship it's wise to take this one step further by only keeping company that respects your relationship too.
3. Keep your private messages appropriate
Perhaps thinking about whether you would want your partner talking to a certain person or about certain topics can help you determine what's appropriate. You may even think about what it would be like to share the conversation with them. If messages to you contain inappropriate content, you can ignore it and redirect the conversation and employ a "3 strikes you're out" before fading them out of your Facebook use and life. Or stop it dead in its tracks.
4. Make your profile private
Drama can ensue not only from the friends you keep, but just those who search for you and look at your public content. Making your profile as private as possible (for friends only) maintains your security and right to privacy and sends the message that you are consciously deciding what to let in and out of your life or at least, Facebook.
5. Never air your dirty laundry
I shouldn't have to include this guideline because it seems like common sense, but you see these repeat offenders all the time. The quote "too many passengers sink relationSHIPS" comes to mind. Your dirty laundry doesn't belong on the internet. Nothing good comes from including Facebook in your private affairs with another person. It's very distasteful and makes you look just as bad, if not worse than your partner or ex.
6. Limit your use
If you find yourself wanting to air your dirty laundry, it's probably because you need to talk to your other half, not Facebook. And if you're finding yourself in some kind of Facebook moral dilemma, it's probably because you're not spending enough time with them. The grass is greener where you water it and Facebook has a lot of fake grass if you know what I mean.
7. Foster trust
No doubt trust issues run rampant these days, but if your partner has them, you have committed to working them out together. If your partner has a concern, you should consider their feelings even if they don't seem reasonable. No, I don't think sharing a Facebook account or disclosing your passwords for your partner to pour through your messages when they feel insecure is fostering trust. I'm just saying elevate your relationship. Hear your partner out and give them every reason to trust you so you can move forward and not remain stagnant. If you're not guilty or embarrassed of any of your Facebook or phone activity, you'll be able to put them at ease by looking at them together if they question something. This is bound to come up in even the most secure long term relationships. It's kind of like knowing someone loves you, but still wanting to hear it.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9574795

Single people struggle with the negative effects Facebook can have on them and how to adjust their use for more positivity, and couples do too according to one statistic that says Facebook has become a leading cause of divorce. If you haven't had it come between you on occasion, consider yourself lucky. Yes, while it's true that Facebook may only amplify a couple's pre-existing problems (like infidelity), it's still considerate to read and apply the following guidelines out of respect for your relationship. My favorite relationship analogy comes from the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. In her book she describes your relationship like a house that needs to be protected by keeping doors and windows secure. Our actions can open windows and doors to unwanted riff raff, so we need to consciously decide what we are letting in and out. The following guidelines can get you started.
1. Wear your Facebook wedding band
I'm talking about your relationship status here. Changing your relationship status to 'In a relationship' or more specifically "In a relationship with _________" (tag your love) is an effective way to tell your friends and any of your profile visitors that you are happily taken. Acknowledging your anniversary is also a nice gesture.
2. Filter your friend requests
The rule of thumb is to only add people you know in real life. This excludes a lot of riff raff for single and committed people alike. But in a relationship it's wise to take this one step further by only keeping company that respects your relationship too.
3. Keep your private messages appropriate
Perhaps thinking about whether you would want your partner talking to a certain person or about certain topics can help you determine what's appropriate. You may even think about what it would be like to share the conversation with them. If messages to you contain inappropriate content, you can ignore it and redirect the conversation and employ a "3 strikes you're out" before fading them out of your Facebook use and life. Or stop it dead in its tracks.
4. Make your profile private
Drama can ensue not only from the friends you keep, but just those who search for you and look at your public content. Making your profile as private as possible (for friends only) maintains your security and right to privacy and sends the message that you are consciously deciding what to let in and out of your life or at least, Facebook.
5. Never air your dirty laundry
I shouldn't have to include this guideline because it seems like common sense, but you see these repeat offenders all the time. The quote "too many passengers sink relationSHIPS" comes to mind. Your dirty laundry doesn't belong on the internet. Nothing good comes from including Facebook in your private affairs with another person. It's very distasteful and makes you look just as bad, if not worse than your partner or ex.
6. Limit your use
If you find yourself wanting to air your dirty laundry, it's probably because you need to talk to your other half, not Facebook. And if you're finding yourself in some kind of Facebook moral dilemma, it's probably because you're not spending enough time with them. The grass is greener where you water it and Facebook has a lot of fake grass if you know what I mean.
7. Foster trust
No doubt trust issues run rampant these days, but if your partner has them, you have committed to working them out together. If your partner has a concern, you should consider their feelings even if they don't seem reasonable. No, I don't think sharing a Facebook account or disclosing your passwords for your partner to pour through your messages when they feel insecure is fostering trust. I'm just saying elevate your relationship. Hear your partner out and give them every reason to trust you so you can move forward and not remain stagnant. If you're not guilty or embarrassed of any of your Facebook or phone activity, you'll be able to put them at ease by looking at them together if they question something. This is bound to come up in even the most secure long term relationships. It's kind of like knowing someone loves you, but still wanting to hear it.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9574795

15 Ways To Eliminate A Conflict With Your Partner

It's just another day, I hate it, just another day! I get up, do my every morning thing, carry in my right hand, my coffee cup and drag myself to the car and drive to my work.
I don't tolerate my wife to say too much because she is a "zero" and nothing else than trash can food. The moment she tries to communicate with me, I simply cut her off and finally she get the message not to bother me with all that crap and nonsense!
She is a failure anyway, so why should I listen! Live moves on day after day, after month, after year and nothing is changing. A couple of years and hopefully I'm dead, great, nobody will miss me! Whining, Whining, Whining...
No kidding, that sound like not a good relationship if you ask me, why the approach to the opposite party? A relationship is not to criticize instead help each other, lift each other, make each other feel darn good and important, as well be mindful with our thoughts.
Being on the same page with our partner is the number one requirement in order to live that united life together. We could say: "thinking and caring about each other at all time is a serious responsibility."
Being negative towards the opposite party can create as much as being positive and will affect both our life experience. Attract the beliefs and desires from each other will create harmony in any relationship.
So, is this just another moody day and who is the moody person here, both parties might ask themselves that question. Does life exist of working, criticizing, offending, down playing, I'm much better than you, yelping? NO! With capital letters.
Our success and failures are not caused by "the world out there" but by the love, care we carry inside our heart. This is not a brain surgery neither high technology and we don't need to spend years of psychoanalysis to find the way to respect.
A negative mindset drains your energy and create a self-perpetuating cycle of disappointments, worry, fear to fail and fear to make a mistake. The other site of the coin is that positive thinking creates hope and self believe. With a little bit of mental pushing power we should be able to control our mindset.
Let's sit down here for a short moment and ask our self about the person who is working and working and does not believe in quality of life, so that person spend a big time of the day in a stress full environment, get ruled by the clock, the upper level authorities, appointments, customers, fighting for its own little space in the company, and much more.
Coming home late in the evening, rest for some hours and take off the next morning again is sure not enough to unwind all the stress. So let's assume that both parties are moody the moment they are in each others neighborhood.
Here are the 15 ways to eliminate the moody moments:
You remember what I said in the beginning of this story; "The moment she tries to communicate with me, I simply cut her off and finally she get the message not to bother me with all that crap and nonsense!" Here is the answer to the problem of not being able to listen to a family member, instead simply cut off the person and depreciate that party.
Let's wrap this up and nail some solid points down that might clear the air for both individuals:
1. Don't try to do many things at once!
2. Prioritize, let them know, and do the essential things first!
3. Don't take on everything yourself!
4. Learn to say politely "No"
5. Meetings should be to the point and not dragging on!
6. Going home, close the door of your job. Coming home, take your rest for some minutes, sit down, relax, rewind, think about the daily blessings and have a little talk with your partner!
7. Be an open book for your partner and don't live a secret life created by" the life of fear to fail"
8. Don't let the job take over your life!
9. Take your days off, take a chair and sit down somewhere you can relax and dream away without any noise around you and being bothered!
10. Force yourself to exercise on a daily base and definitely on the days off!
11. Create a hobby that grabs your attention!
12. Create a mile post of accomplishment with that hobby!
13. Learn to count your blessings in life and do NOT take everything for granted!
14. Do not answer the cell phone on your days off!
15. Fight for your own space in life and do not allow others to influence you and make a different "You" out of "You"
Here you have it, I didn't leave any ingredient out!
Good Luck and Cheers!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9534700

Here is Good Relationship Break Up Advice

It might surprise you to know that finding good relationship break up advice is not all that easy. Nearly everyone has been through some kind of break up. Those folks who managed to find their "one-and-only" are around, but they are not the folks from whom you can get good relationship break up advice.
Of course, someone who doesn't have a clue as to why their relationship ended, is also not a great resource for good relationship break up advice. Not knowing why a break up happened is an indication that they haven't got a clue as to what was wrong in their relationship. Add to that the fact that breakups are extremely painful to examine, issues of which are likely to be avoided, and there's no way good relationship break up advice can be obtained from this person.
Now, someone who managed to turn a potential break up around, who actually saved their relationship-that's the person you want to talk to for good relationship break up advice. Someone who has been in the trenches and knows what works and what doesn't will be able to guide you with clear thinking and a calm demeanor.
But, how many people do you know who fit that bill? Most people are devastated by relationship break ups and can not be trusted to know how to prevent such an occurrence. Looking for good relationship break up advice is like looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack. That's why this article exists.
Good relationship break up advice will come from someone not in the throes of a break up, who knows how to think clearly and rationally. This article has some very valuable tips that should get you back on track.
Of course, the first thing you need to do is get some time and space in between you and the break up. Give yourself some time to heal, away from anyone or anything that might remind you of the relationship gone bad. Even if you hope to eventually reunite with your ex and try again, you still need some time to lick your wounds. This is good relationship break up advice, because giving yourself this needed break will help you come back stronger and in a better place, mentally.
When you're actually ready to start working on the break up issue, it will be time to consider whether or not you actually want to get back together with the ex. That's the first bit of good relationship break up advice. Knowing whether or not you want the ex back, and, more importantly, why you might want them back, is something you definitely need to think on very thoroughly.
Going hand in hand with that bit of good relationship break up advice is another suggestion-determine what happened. Examine the break up and try to figure out why it happened. Be rational when you do this, as strong emotions will cloud every issue you look at.
When you've done these things, and you think you and your ex might be ready to sit down together and calmly discuss the break up, ask the ex to do so, inviting them to a friendly meeting for coffee or some such. However, if the ex is reluctant or gets overly emotional, then the timing is not right for them and you will want to wait, if you truly want them back. Good relationship break up advice states that an ex that is not past the emotional pain of the break up will not be ready to try again.
If they are amenable to discussion and all goes as planned, treat whatever new relationship you have with your "ex-ex" with kid gloves. This is a brand new relationship, not a continuation of the old. From this point, you will want to find a new kind of advice, and good relationship break up advice will no longer be necessary. Find the kind of advice and counseling that gives your relationship the strength to weather all kinds of conditions.

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