Five Strategies for Dealing With Difficult People

Thanks to advancements in psychology and human relations, we know much more than before about problem solving and conflict resolution. Books have been written about assertive communication and negotiation strategies, for example.
But these skills don't work with some groups of difficult people, for a number of reasons:

• Prolonged alcoholism and other types of substance abuse have damaged their rational thinking functions
• Deep-seated alienation or hatred has destroyed their ability to form the bonds needed for partnerships and shared goals
• A manic disorder makes them think they're not obliged to follow the rules that govern everyone else's behavior
• A love for power causes them act against their own best interests in order to score points against you

If you've always believed that caring and good communication will solve any problem, a relationship with a difficult person can cause severe self-doubt and depression. For example, many substance abusers place a high value on revenge. You're likely to make a permanent enemy if you tactfully take them aside for a private talk. Similarly, communicating your feelings in carefully crafted "I messages" won't work for a person who can't identify with normal human emotions.
Listed below are strategies that sometimes work when you're trying to resolve a problem with a difficult person. Two cautions are in order. First, the operative word is "sometimes." Nothing works all the time, especially when you're dealing with a difficult person. Second, these are unusual strategies that should be reserved for situations when ordinary problem-solving strategies don't seem to be working.
Talking to a Difficult Person

• If you're planning to confront your difficult person, take someone else with you--or organize a group and plan an intervention. This approach seems counterintuitive: Why embarrass the person? But bringing the problems into the open can sometimes sidestep manipulation and retaliation.


• Discuss the situation from the difficult person's viewpoint, showing both current and future negative consequences if things don't improve. A difficult person may be incapable of understanding your experience and your pain, but he or she may understand the risk of divorce, broken friendships, lost prestige, or an aborted career.

Thinking Outside the Box

• Catch the person by surprise. If a longstanding relationship isn't working, both of you probably tend to react to problems in predictable ways. But if you respond in an unexpected way, you might prompt the difficult person to do some self-examination and make some changes. For example, decide not to get angry when a difficult person baits you. Or react to an insult with curiosity: "Is that true? I never knew that about myself." Instead of criticizing annoying behavior, talk about yourself in a vulnerable way. Note that these are occasional tactics: Don't become a doormat to an offensive person.


• Take responsibility for your own choices. Once you suspect that you're dealing with an intractably difficult relationship, take ownership of your own actions. For example, don't make plans with a person who's chronically and thoughtlessly late. Disengage from anyone who's rude or abusive to you, and don't offer gifts of time, money, or help to someone who doesn't understand gratitude.


• If a situation is steadily spiraling downward, considering withdrawing. Do not use warnings, threats, or apologies to delay your departure. Avoid ultimatums ("If you do that again, I'm out of here"), and don't offer explanations ("I'm doing this for your own good"). Sometimes difficult people are so puffed up with their own version of reality that they forget how much they depend on other people. A temporary departure can bring stability back to a rocky relationship and, when necessary, a permanent break can be the first step in your own healing.

If All Else Fails
Talk with a therapist or clergyperson who can support and guide you while you're dealing with the situation. In the workplace, your human resources office may be able to help. If you suspect substance abuse, visit Al-Anon or a similar support group.
Try directing your own thinking down new pathways and into undiscovered avenues. Look for patterns, causes, warning signs, and insights. View problems as an opportunity to learn. This does not mean that you should stop having compassion for yourself or that you should make excuses for the difficult person. It does mean that when you eventually emerge from the dark tunnel of confusion and anger, something new will be waiting for you. Be ready for it, look for it, and take it with you.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6430874